ROONT

I've started other stories with fewer words than this and with greater meaning, "this is the end".  I've felt trapped in my own life, i think i caught it from someone. This despair, the hopelessness of existence and comedy of action.  I was goal oriented and happy, maybe content, with the lot I had drawn and the decisions i had made in my life up until now.  I set goals, i accomplish them, i languish the next move to the point of procrastination and failure and then i set goals, i accomplish them.  After the nearly 3 years i have spent with a person i have seen some things that i would rather not have seen in my lifetime.  I can ignore and move past my own hollow life and what it means to me and anyone else.  I saw a person die and i saw a person reborn, it meant nothing, it meant everything.  I saw them come to the brink and reach out lest i let them die by their own hand i clasp my hand around theirs as there were feelings and a love for the person.  i regret many things.  Had i not done this would they still be alive, surely, for who am i to declare that i had saved someone from abject poverty and misery.  The person would have survived as we all have more hardened and aware of how bad it could get, they had not lost it all but what they had lost was more than their soul could withstand in a single blow.  i saw these things and i lived with them whilst they redoubled their spirit against the inevitable fall of what they had known and what they believed was theirs.  i have had similar experience in loss, i know i have never hit the bottom, do they know they still have not or do they forget when they did, it always can be worse.  The problems i was told and the manner in which they were dealt with, many tears & a hopeless attitude pitted with flecks of a better tomorrow. 

i can't describe what i am trying to describe here.

what it did to me.  it wore me down. it made me lose my drive, gradually, bit by bit until i was sitting here typing this stupid blog.  I had goals. a house. a dog. a partner. kids. happiness.  I see what happened.  I knew too much, i saw too much.  a partner, ha, so when my partner resents me for goals that were unattainable to them, hates me and cheats on me to free themselves. a house is a permanent debt for all you poor people, enjoy your final payment at 65. kids well, you need the first 2 to make anything there work.  my point here is there is no point, in the end it doesnt matter what you do, you'll never win, you'll never get ahead, and you are an idiot for even  trying.  this is the attitude i obtained through osmosis, ha.  i can't shake it.  honestly though i dont think this was the whole of the cause.  I think my ruination was already at hand, my strength in my mind was immense and unflappable, my will like steel, i softened and i wilted and i shrivel to an apathetic pile of who cares.  i cant seem to care anymore, no matter what i do or who i help i find i just dont care.  Did i love this person, for a moment i did, but it turned from love to care and from care to contempt.  it makes my chest hurt and its a sucking pain in my chest that compels me to write this down.  I dont know what i want, i dont even know what i need, i want out.  i look at the future and it holds no joy for me, do i hold it from myself or do i see too well.  ive done this before. i set the goal and followed through and here i am again.  It is not failure that is my downfall, it is the doom that i see in my life, the sheer emptiness that awaits all that i pursue.